Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
