she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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