I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
