we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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