I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize