dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
