college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
