woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
