Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
