i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Less talking, more tequila
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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