Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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