a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
