She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
