Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
40s are totally the cure
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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