I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
