you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
