textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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