i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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