these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
