He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
