my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
