I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
