....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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