How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
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There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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