im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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