if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
