the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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