I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
