so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm passing your future prison.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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