I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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