I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
