two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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