grandma shit on top of the toilet
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
