I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
