This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
