and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
