If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Randomize
