stop calling my apartment porn island.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
