I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
