I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.