Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I told you penises don't tan
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken