she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress