Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
