You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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