I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
