I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
