I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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