i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
