if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
