Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
