alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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