How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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