you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
