Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
