i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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