Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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