just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
