Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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