the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
