anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
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I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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