Will you blow on my dice?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
