just survived the first fart of the relationship.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
