I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
